You might be a cop if

* You have the bladder capacity of five people.
* You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
* You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
* Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car chase.

* You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
* Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
* You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
* You have your weekends off planned for a year.
* You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
* You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”
* A little “stick time” has nothing to do with baseball. (Can you say “TAZER”???)
* You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which its located.
* You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it right the first time.”
* You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
* You believe the Watch Sgt. is a shit magnet possessed by a demon.
* Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
* The person you’re speaking with states, “That’s not mine. I have no idea how that got there.”
* You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .15
* You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
* People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places.
* You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

* You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
* You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to seize their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”
* You do not see daylight from November until May.
* People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original.
* You’ve ever started a sentence with the phrase “We had this awesome dead body earlier. You should have seen it.”
* A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.
* You’ve ever referred to Thursday as “My Monday”.
* You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
* Anyone has ever said, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”