Legal Humor - Questioning Witnesses
The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A. He said, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.
An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
More Lawyer Quickies
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.
Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: "Good morning, your honor."
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Question: How was copper wire invented?
Answer: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
Lawyer: Someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
Answer: All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it.
The lawyer was in the summation of his case: "And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive."
"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."
Question: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: How many can you afford?
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."
"You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!" "That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you."
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
He sure had me worried
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
He saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Three MBA's cram into a restroom
Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Susan," the man replied.
"Sir, Susan is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Susan" was the man's reply.
Just then, Susan appeared and announced to the man that she charged $2,000 an hour. Without hesitation, the man pulled out twenty one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Susan. Susan explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $2,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Susan and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Susan and they went upstairs. After their session, Susan said to the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "California."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in California."
"I know," the man said. "Your aunt died and I am your cousin's lawyer. She instructed me to give you your $6,000 inheritance."
Say What You Mean
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"