Civilian Friends vs. Police Friends
Police Humor, Jokes and Funny Stories:
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily
carry on the same con versation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food or alcohol.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food or alcohol.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
POLICE FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
POLICE FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you in jail saying,
'Darn...we screwed up...but man, that was fun!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
POLICE FRIENDS: Cry with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
POLICE FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that 's what the crowd is doing.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
POLICE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are for life.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...
POLICE FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could
ever dream of...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will knock them out for using your name in vain.
He sure had me worried
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
He saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Three MBA's cram into a restroom
Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"