Civilian Friends vs. Police Friends
Police Humor, Jokes and Funny Stories:
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily
carry on the same con versation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food or alcohol.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food or alcohol.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
POLICE FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
POLICE FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you in jail saying,
'Darn...we screwed up...but man, that was fun!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
POLICE FRIENDS: Cry with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
POLICE FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that 's what the crowd is doing.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
POLICE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are for life.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...
POLICE FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could
ever dream of...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will knock them out for using your name in vain.
Legal Humor - Questioning Witnesses
The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A. He said, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.
An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
More Lawyer Quickies
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.
Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: "Good morning, your honor."
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Question: How was copper wire invented?
Answer: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
Lawyer: Someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
Answer: All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it.
The lawyer was in the summation of his case: "And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive."
"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."
Question: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: How many can you afford?
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."
"You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!" "That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you."
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
He sure had me worried
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
He saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"